Murder of a Mouse

Murder of a Mouse

E.M.Adithyan

His Excellency Mr.Rat-the official carrier of lord Ganesh has a unique place in our History and Puranas. You can either love him or hate him but can never ignore him. The contributions made by rats in spoiling our agriculture (Culture too) and other household items are unparalleled in the history of the world. Still we treat them with great reverence. Any Research scholar can take up a topic on the role of rats in spoiling our agriculture for a thesis leading to Ph.D. Degree.

Few years ago a world food conference was held at Hyderabad. Scientists and food technologists from all over the globe participated in the Seminar, Symposiums, Lectures, Discussions etc. Scientists came out with startling statistics. Almost 1/8th of the world food production is eaten by rats. I am not quantifying it because one line will not be sufficient to indicate the quantity in Kgs. People came out with various suggestions. One scientist from the Peoples’ Republic of China suggested that we should start eating rats. It will have multiplier effect as apart from saving food, we will be creating supplementary food also. Chines people have got practical solutions for every problems. No wonder, China is emerging as one of the top nations of the world. However, whether anybody has acted on the suggestion, nobody knows because one definition of meeting is meeting, eating, chatting, cheating (by giving exaggerated facts and figures) and forgetting. Whether China’s resurgence in sports has anything to do with eating of rats will make an interesting study as rats are great athletes.

Once in a Kerala village rat menace reached alarming proportions. Local Panchayat held an emergency meeting to take stock of the situation. One elder member suggested that we should negotiate with the Rat Commander and sign a peace agreement. However, the younger generation pooh-poohed the idea. (According to the unwritten law of Indian Politics Politicians below the age of 70 can be considered in the category of young). In a country where even the legitimate demands of Pandavas were rejected outright, the proposal of a peace agreement with Rat Commander seemed ridiculous. Majority decision was taken to wage a war with the rats. Budget allocation was made and arms and ammunitions purchased. Black cat commandos were recruited and task force created. After one month of extensive battle 3 rats were killed. Casualty on the other side is not known. Cost of killing one rat runs into thousands.


Since the budget allocation was exhausted they have to find other cheaper methods. (As the Panchayat election was nearing there was no scope for increasing taxes). Meeting was held for hours but nobody came up with any new idea. Meeting adjourned and again reconvened but to no avail. During the meeting peon came to serve the tea. He requested that if the Chairman allowed he could give his idea. The proposal was to give an open offer that anybody who brings the corpse of a rat should be paid Rs.5. The decision was given wide publicity among students. From next day onwards students started queuing up in front of Panchayat office to claim their dues. Hundreds of rats were killed including those from nearby villages. However, since it was difficult to distinguish whether the rat belonged to this village or that village, everybody who brought the corpse of a rat was paid Rs.5. A novel idea to how to use youth power for destructive activities.

Mr.Ramlal, a Central Government employee got the allotment of a ground floor flat after waiting for 30 years in a semi-posh south Delhi colony. After he started staying in the flat, Ramlal noticed that rats were freely roaming in his house. He started abusing them in Hindi, Haryanvi and Punjabi but there was no reaction. He told his neighbour Mr. Chatterji about the incident. Mr. Chatterji got the clue that since the previous occupant of the flat was a Tamilian, perhaps the rats understand only Tamil and a little bit of Bengali. Next day Ramlal purchased a book on learning Tamil through Hindi and hurled the choicest abuses in Tamil. The result was instant. At least they avoided coming in front of Ramlal.

However, one rat did not go. Afterall, it was the resident of the flat alongwith all the previous allottees and it deserved a permanent resident status and the Rat’s claim over the flat is better than that of Ramlal. If the rat had approached the Court to enforce his rights, perhaps Mr. Ramlal would have been directed to vacate the flat. One day Ramlal brought a rat trap. After two days rat fell into Ramlal’s trap. Next day early morning Ramlal left the rat on the other side of the drain far away from his house. After 3 days a rat again appeared at Ramlal’s house. This process continued. Ramlal had a doubt that the same rat is coming again and again. In order to confirm his doubt he decided to put some identification mark on the rat. Since he wanted to adopt a foolproof method, Ramlal went in search of indelible ink. After enquiring at several places Ramlal came to know that one shop in Connaught Place deals with indelible ink. However, the shopkeeper refused to supply the same on the plea that it is used only for election purposes only and he will not give it to anybody without the written consent of the Chief Election Commissioner Mr. T.N Seshan. Even his attempt to bribe the shopkeeper did not succeed.


Having failed to get indelible ink, Ramlal decided to use turmeric paste for identification. (At this point he realised that since the rats do not take bath, any type of identification will remain for some time). His doubt was confirmed that the same rat is coming again and again. One day Ramlal procured a cat to kill the rat. He directed his milk vendor to supply an additional quantity of one litre milk from next day onwards to keep the cat in good humour.


After few days both the cat and the rat became fat. There appeared to be some secret understanding between the cat and the rat. After all both were permanent residents of Delhi, the hub of political activities and they must have learned some finer points of politics from local and national level politicians, Having realised the futility of maintaining a cat, one day Ramlal left the cat beyond the Delhi border spending huge amount on conveyance.


Rat trap again came handy. Rat again was trapped. This time Ramlal sentenced him to death by starving him till death. The decision was conveyed to all the members of the family. After about one month, not only the rat did not die but also there was no marked deterioration in his health. Ramlal was surprised with the resistance power of the rat. During all these days Ramlal’s children secretly used to feed the rat after they came from the school.


Months passed and rat was still alive. One day Ramlal was casually going through the Guiness Book of world records. He noticed that the world record in fasting is 118 days. Ramlal had no doubt that his rat has the potential to beat the world record. He wrote to Guiness Publishing Co. In reply they informed that normally only human beings are considered for world records. However, considering the potential of the rat, they agreed to review the case sympathetically once the rat breaks the world record and he is given some name and identification number.


Ramlal had absolutely no doubt about the name to be given to the rat-Ratlal, because Ratlal is 83% Ramlal. As regards the number, Ramlal checked up with his office to allot Ratlal some number but the concerned officer advised him to come through Union Public Service Commission. One of his colleagues suggested that he might obtain a number through the muster roll of the contractor. He approached a Government Contractor who informed Ramlal that as per the latest rules, Provident Fund has to be deducted from day one and he can help him only after getting a no objection certificate from the Regional Provident Fund Commissioner. For the first time Mr. Ramlal got annoyed with the Government rules and procedures which prevented Ratlal to become a world record holder.


Impressed with Ramlal’s caliber to become a world record holder, Ramlal commuted his death sentence. One fine morning Ramlal put Ratlal on the top carrier of a bus bound to Hardwar and bid adieu to him. Few days passed. One day had to attend a marriage at Chandigarh. Since he had to go early morning, he took out his suit and kept it on the sofa on the previous day so that he need not disturb others in the early morning. Next day morning while wearing the suit Ramlal noticed a big hole in his coat. That was not the handiwork of some anti-social elements but that of Ratlal only. Ramlal got infuriated. He cancelled his programme and sent a telegram to his host, which reads as follows.

“Ratlal spoiled the suit. Unable to attend the marriage unsuited. Your inconnivance in the matter is highly regretted. Will definitely attend next time.”


At last Ramlal decided to commit a cold-blooded murder. ( How a cold blooded person can commit a murder is anybody’s guess. Committing murder requires not only hot blood but boiling blood). One day early morning at about 3 a.m. while Ramlal was going to toilet, he noticed Ratlal in the bathroom. Ramlal closed the bathroom and took out his helmet, hand gloves, safety shoes and hockey stick. (Remember Ramlal was a veteran Hockey player.) He entered the bathroom and closed the door. Seeing Ramlal in a terrible mood Ratlal got frightened and it started running helter-skelter. Ramlal started hitting him with his hockey stick but all was on the floor and wall of the bathroom eluding the rat. (Hockey coaches may please note that playing with rats will improve the skill and stamina of the players). Fight continued and in the process Ramlal threw all the rules of fight to the winds. (Being a person hailing from Kurukshetra, Ramlal should have stick to the rules of the war). Once Ratlal came on the floor and Ramlal tried to press him with his shoe. Ramlal could manage to hold the tail under his shoe and hit the rat. Ratlal retaliated and bite Mr. Ramlal. After a long fight Ratlal was killed and Ramlal won the war. However, Ramlal had to take shelter at Ram Manohar Lohia Hospital and undergo long treatment for rat bite.



(E.M.ADITHYAN)