Nothing Official

NOTHING OFFICIAL ABOUT IT

E.M.Adithyan

¨ Chaudhary, fond of speaking in English, requested his friend Makhan Singh to give some tips about English Speaking. His friend advised him that whenever he doesn’t get appropriate English words, he can use Hindi words by making the pronunciation sound like English. He had a God sent opportunity when a South Indian Sreenivas was transferred to his department from Bangalore. One day Sreenivas was searching for some thing when Chaudhary asked him "What are you dhoonding?" Since he could not comprehend the meaning of the word, Sreenivas started searching the meaning in the dictionary. Unable to find the word in the dictionary he sought clarification from Chaudhary. Chaudhary told him that the word is undictionarable. Sreenivas again started referring the dictionary. Having failed to find the meaning again, he asked Chaudhary, “What type of words you are using?." Chaudhary told Sreenivas "There may be several words which will not be found in dictionary and these words are called undictionarable."

¨ NOTINGS IN FILE

A. In a Purchase File:
"The original purchase requisition was misplaced on my table and with help of Indenter the same was traced out and a suitable order is proposed"

B. Audit Objection:
“ If 10" shoes and 8" shoes are available at the same price why don't we purchase 10" shoes?”

C. "The enclosed file is neither available in your section nor in my section. Kindly arrange to trace it out and send it to me in a closed cover".

D. In a purchase order file for pickle there was a typical (read typographical) error. Instead of 20 tins it was mentioned as 20 tons. The Supplier thought that his pickle has become very popular with Factory workers and they eat more pickles than chapatis, rice and curry.
F. There was an audit enquiry on indigenisation. Reply to the enquiry went like this "Audit Enquiry on Indigestion".

G. A condolence message " It is a repairable loss"(Read irreparable)

¨ With the standardisation of application forms employees have to fill up the blanks only. But still people make blunders. Here is an example.

Application for Provident Fund Loan

Reason "Funeral of.. . .Self

¨ With photocopiers having been installed in almost every department, everyone insists on retaining the original document and submitting the photocopy for official use. One employee came to the Provident Fund Section and asked. “Will you accept photocopy of bills, cash memos etc. with my loan application?"

"No problem, if you are willing to accept a photocopy of the cheque”, was the reply.

¨ An employee asked the Treasurer of Death Relief Fund Association "Sir, what are the death benefits under DRFA rules?".

He received this reply. "You ask me when it becomes due to you."

¨ Personal Assistants and Private Secretaries though working in key positions are a neglected lot. Unions and Associations do not take up their case because they think that these employees are "chamchas" of the Management. Management also does not care for them because they are very submissive. Once all the PAs totaling nine went to Assistant General Manager (Personnel & Administration) and told him:- "Sir, our work is very tedious. We aren’t to take leave when we need to. We have to take dictation from our Bosses even though they are not dictators. We have to handle all the people our bosses don’t want to. Inspite of all these we don't get promotion in time.”

AGM (P&A) retorted
"Who says that you don’t get promoted? Take Vinod’s case here. Earlier he was PA to Manager, now he’s PA to AGM"

One person asked his friend working in a PSU. “ Do you have Pension Scheme?”
His friend replied. “ No we have only tension scheme”.

Boss asked a report immediately. Since lot of data has to be collected and compiled, the subordinate asked for some time and requested his Boss to kindly bear with him. Pat came the reply. “ No problem. I can have beer with you”.

An officer was boasting to his Messenger. “ You know, I can speak in 5 languages:
Messenger “ Sir, I can take photocopy in all the languages”

English is a universal language and people and places across the globe have made significant contributions for the development of this language. Our tiny village has also made its humble contribution. Here is some typical Maharajpur English
· Both of you three are going alone?
· You came just now or after some time?
· How you are cutting time these days?